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What’s really important

The past few months I’ve been thinking about my desires in life and how they’ve dramatically changed. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic so of course everyone that knows me knows I’ve always dreamed of being in a relationship and while there’s nothing wrong with that, I realized that I needed to dig deeper and be a lot more specific…

Often times we only look at the big picture about things that we want in life without thinking about the minutiae. For example, I dreamed of being in a relationship & just assumed that whenever I got in one that it would be healthy and non-toxic. I didn’t think I’d have to really tap into my heart & ponder things like that.

Or, often times people want a job that “pays a lot of money.” I mean who doesn’t like money, but how many people do you know that are getting paid bucket loads but are miserable on the inside? They literally hate going to work, is this really the end goal?

To some it’s unattractive to be “in your thirties and still renting” and while I do want to buy a home. I want to buy a home when the time is right for me & I’m not eating ramen for five years because I’m house poor. Have you seen these prices lately? Oh and I know my taste lol So apartment living in the city it is… for now but hey, I’m happy. That’s what matters.

I can’t wait to get married. But I desire to be with someone who desires to be with me, not someone who chose me out of desperation, loneliness, or from an unhealed place. I hate to say this but I know so many unhappy married couples but you’d never guess by the “wonderful” pics on social media. Some people just want a relationship, but I say hold out for the healthy one. The one that lights your soul on fire. The one where you’re happy on social media and real life.

I guess I say all this to say, think about what matters most. That’s all I got ✌🏾

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Respectfully, hush 🤫

May is mental health awareness month so I’ve been thinking about depression, anxiety & just stress in general & I’ve learned something:

Sometimes it’s the people closest to you that can stress you out or make you feel not good enough because you’re not living on the terms they want you to live. Often times this critique could be disguised as “well I just want what’s best for you so you should blah blah blah”

If someone isn’t married by the age of “fill in the blank with that ridiculous number” that’s ok. Respectfully, hush. There are tons of married miserable folks but that’s none of my business.

If a couple decides to marry at the courthouse and not spend lots of money on a big ceremony, food, photography & flowers. Respectfully, hush. There are many marriages that didn’t “go all out” and last for decades.

If someone finishes school but doesn’t want to walk across the stage. Respectfully, hush. The person that walks will get their degree mailed to them just like the person who did not walk.

If someone has reached a certain age and decides they’d rather rent than own a home. Respectfully, hush. As long as they are safe, happy & financially stable it’s all good.

If a couple decides they don’t want kids, respectfully hush!

If someone you know is “still” in school, don’t add pressure by asking them “When are they gonna finish?”

If a woman or man is still single trust me the last thing they want to hear from their “well intentioned” friend or family member is “when are they gonna marry?” I mean if they knew the answer they’d tell you lol

A few weeks ago my mom told me “of course I’d love to be a grandmother, but if that is not in God’s plans for your life that’s ok I’ll love you regardless!” And although I knew what she was telling me was true it felt SOOO good to hear that. That’s what we all need. What I’m really trying to say is to love people where they are, who they are RIGHT NOW. Doing so will alleviate a lot of stress & feelings of never being good enough.

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Bye, bye, bye

Been doing a lot of reflecting on relationships lately and I’ve realized that often times people exist in them on autopilot, that is until something changes…. Let me go ahead and jump into it, once I enter any friendship/ relationship, I become loyal and sometimes loyal to a fault. Basically unless someone was physically abusing me then I remained loyal, dedicated & fought to keep them in my life even when they were pulling away. I can hear some people wonder ”Ugh but why?!” Honestly, there were probably many reasons. Codependency? Fear of loneliness or failure or abandonment? Or maybe even the “if I just change this or that then they would love/like me again” thought. Trust me, I’ve experienced all of these, but not anymore. In these most recents weeks of self discovery, awareness & focusing on inner peace, I have become aware of some people I have to walk away from. No we didn’t have a huge fight. No there was no physical fight or blatant disrespect but when I took a GIANT step away from the relationship I realized that I was the only one putting in effort to keep it going. That the more they ignored me, the more I texted. The more they excluded me, the harder I fought to be included. Baby let me tell you something, once you start getting other areas in your life together and experience true peace, anything that conflicts with that has to go. I also believe that people make time for what and who they want because let’s face it, we are ALL busy. A quote I heard a few months ago that I now live by says, “Let people do what they WANT to do, so that you can see what they’d RATHER do!” I am saddened to look back at how much I poured my heart, money, energy, & time into people who only reciprocated halfheartedly or only when it was convenient for them. However, I am not sad to walk away and guess what, that’s ok! It takes a lot of courage to snap out of it & realize that there is some shedding of people to do but I value MY peace over anything nowadays. It really is that simple. So no love lost. Maybe I’ll see ya around, maybe I won’t but for now bye, bye, bye!

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What a time to be alive

Since celebrating my 34th bday a few weeks ago I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting as I frequently do on birthdays. One thing for sure, I am more than grateful to be alive and grateful for many others things…

First things first: how to let go! It’s taken years for me to learn as I used to hold on for dear life to things (people, jobs, situations) that no longer aligned with my life. I’ve learned that fighting for something or forcing things is such a waste of time, energy and just life! I am not saying you should never fight for the things you want in life, I’m speaking about things that CLEARLY don’t work! Things/Ppl that drain you, that leave you feeling disrespected, depressed, hopeless, etc.

Since learning to let go I’ve realized that life is so much lighter, more peaceful & also opens your heart up to receiving what and who you need and then some!! I posted a caption today that said “To all that I’ve lost: thank you for setting me free” and this couldn’t be more true of a statement.

I’m learning that I can have allllll the plans in the world but if they aren’t a part of God’s plans then it ain’t happening lol. Better to accept it & move on than to fight it. Trust me I fought God for years on things I thought I desired & yea ain’t nobody got time for that lol! Now, I believe that if it’s too much of a struggle, it may not be what’s best for me. Having this mindset makes it easier to walk away no matter how much I’ve invested in something.

I’m also learning to communicate with people. That sounds so simple yet that used to be one of the hardest things for me to do. I found myself not communicating for many reasons: out of fear that what I said could end a friendship or relationship or due to assuming that people could read my mind! As a matter of fact, I looked back over my life & realized a lot of my disappointments stemmed from expectations not met that I never communicated to begin with. While I’m not 100% there yet, I will point out that being surrounded and loved by genuine people helps. They make it so easy to feel seen and heard which encourages me to keep communicating! I now know that if communicating a boundary of mine to someone upsets them, perhaps that is because they were too busy benefiting from me not having one to begin with. Often times those people will leave but again, that is what you want. It’s ok to let go of the things, places and people that don’t support/align with you and your growth.

Whew I guess I’ll stop now but I just want to say I’m loving this new journey I’m on & the people (new & old) God has placed in my life to accompany me on it! ✌🏾

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You’re alone? Ew..

At first I was gonna title this blog “Solo Dolo Rodeo” but this one popped up so I’m rolling with it. Each year the rodeo comes into town, meaning concerts, livestock, carnival rides, food and more. After living here for almost ten years, I’ve made an effort to attend each year. This year was no different except it came at the most inconvenient time for me as I was tasked with a 3 week work assignment that left me little to no time to get to the rodeo. As this weekend approached, I realized that I hadn’t got a chance to make it and that the rodeo would be gone today, March 20th.

Thursday I decided I was going on Friday, so I began reaching out to others to see if they wanted to join me at the carnival for some rides and a funnel cake lol but guess what no one was available… I mean NO ONE (at least who I reached out to) so Friday came and went and I didn’t go lol. I mean who wants to go to a carnival with thousands of people….ALONE. Saturday afternoon, I started to panic because I realized it was today or never (well next year haha) so I began retracing my mental list of all the people who couldn’t go (He would, but he’s working… she would, but she’s busy, she has already been four times, so don’t bother… they live out of town and it’s too short of a notice…) and it was at that time that I decided I’m going.

Fast forward to standing in line to purchase a ticket, while there I kept checking my phone to make it appear as if I was conversating with someone already inside the rodeo/carnival so I didn’t feel awkward lol. I had already decided that there were 2 rides I HAD to ride so after gaining access I went to buy tickets and got in line. First up, conquering my fear of heights… I was going to ride the big white Ferris wheel first, alone! You should’ve seen the guy’s face when I stepped up to get on. I nodded yes after he asked “ARE YOU ALONE?!?” & his facial expression made me feel just as awkward as all of the other stares I received while sitting on it waiting for it to whisk me away lol.

The Ferris wheel was great, I couldn’t believe I was doing this & even distracted myself from how high up I was by taking some pics and snaps! Anyways, the crazy thing is after I got off that ride, the looks didn’t bother me as I went to the next ride. I enjoyed myself so much that heck I went to purchase a few more tickets and rode the ski lift all the way across the carnival. It was neat to be above so many thousands of people, and anytime while on the lift I seen another person riding alone, it felt like we were giving each other either a nod or smile of approval. It’s funny that I felt more connected to them than all the other people on the ground. But at the end of the day let’s face it, society does not accept being in “public places” such as these alone. It’s weird and I can only imagine the thoughts some people had:

Aww she must’ve had a fight with her boyfriend and he left her here alone, or

She must not have any friends

And both statements are furthest from the truth. I am so loved and yet still I went to the rodeo alone. And it’s ok.

After getting home, I reflected on how scared I was when I couldn’t find anyone to go with. How embarrassed I felt to go to a public outing by myself. How awkward it was gonna be when others stared wondering why I was at such a fun place alone… But you know what I did it anyway. I survived and would do it all over again. Now this was just one experience but it can be applied to anything in life. That book you’re waiting to write. That woman/man you’re waiting to fall for you, yet you never directly express how you feel. That city you’ve always wanted to move to.

I guess what I am trying to say is, “If you’re scared to do something, dig up the courage, [I promise it’s there] and do it anyway.”

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Let go to Hang on

When it comes to the stressors of your life, what or who are they? More importantly, why haven’t you let them go?

Often times, or at least in my life, I held on to the bad out of fear. What if it hurts? What if no one supports me? What if I upset the other person? What if I’m negatively impacted financially? blah blah blah

All of our worries could be alleviated by this one simple sentence: When it comes to your stressors, let them go, hang on to God!

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It’s gonna be a great year

So during Christmas 2020 a friend of mine gifted our friend group with a gratitude jar. She stated that on January 1, 2021 we would write down on a small piece of paper things we were happy/proud/ grateful for throughout the year & then take them out & read them before the New Year. I’ve heard the idea before for many years but never put it into action so I was thrilled to receive this gift.

I did it last year & it felt so amazing to read back over the things that happened to me in 2021 that were positive. I decided to do it again this year…

While adding a piece of paper to the jar tonight, I looked at the jar & counted seven little pieces of paper. I remember last year I averaged maybe two things a month.. so the fact that I already have seven makes me feel good. It lets me know that better days have come already in 2022 and will continue to come. Doing this activity also helps me scope out positivity and gratitude more than I used to.

If you’ve never had a gratitude jar I suggest you get one ☮️ ❤️

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Potential tsk tsk

So I’m reading a book about dating & came across a chapter focusing on potential and how often we get blindsided by it. Clearly I’m guilty of that & maybe you are too. More importantly once you’re aware of it you can change that. Now potential isn’t automatically bad but what the book stressed is less focus on “WILL this person make me happy?” And more focus on “DOES this person make me happy?” That we should look at the person we’re in love with or dating as they are right now instead of who they might become! #Powerful

How do they communicate with you today, how do they treat you today, how do they make you feel today? If nothing were to change about that person, is that enough for you? I was reading it like 🥺😩🤯😩🤭

Anyways I stumbled upon a section that asks “What are 5 non-negotiable qualities you look for in someone TODAY? What do those actually look like in someone TODAY (not tomorrow)? What does that person do & say TODAY? Good questions right?

Anyways I’ll let you in on what I jotted down regarding my five non-negotiable qualities. Disclaimer: I am NOT using this as a dating pitch so don’t message me 😂

0.) Trustworthy (see what I did there I mean 0 does come before one 🤷🏾‍♀️) 1.) Intentional 2.) Considerate 3.) Consistent 4.) Loyal 5.) Secure.

Honestly don’t feel like trustworthiness needs to be explained. I desire someone who knows they want me & consistently shows it with their actions instead of only words. I desire someone who consistently moves in ways that reflects that he considers my feelings & my heart. I desire someone who understands that it’s us against the world instead of us against each other especially during a disagreement. Last but not least I desire someone who is secure in himself so that he is able to consistently maintain security throughout our relationship.

What are your five qualities you desire? Is the person you’re with/dating offering those today or does potential have you in a chokehold…✌🏾

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Another chance

So I woke up this morning & I realized I have a lily growing! Let me rewind for y’all. I bought a peace lily in the spring of 2020! It was my first houseplant & I named her Lilly. Anyways back then she was flourishing & had about 13 lilies until summer 2020. During that time I left my home for 8 days straight without leaving her any water or AC in this Texas summer heat. So when I returned home, to my surprise all 13 pure white lilies were drooping, brown & dead. *insert dramatic moment cause y’all I collapsed to the floor and cried. 😂 I called my mom and told her I killed my plant!! After reading up on care for these plants, I calmed down and watered it and reluctantly cut off allllllll those once beautiful lilies. After 24 hours the green leaves rose again but the plant just never looked the same because all the white lilies were gone. That is until this morning.

Call me crazy but I believe God is giving me another chance at a beautiful life just like he’s giving my plant a chance. Ya see often times what we see on the outside isn’t a true reflection of what’s going on on the inside. Apparently me continuing to nurture her all this time was doing a lot more good that I was aware of cause we got a lily y’all!

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Last blog about him

Today is my last day writing specifically about my ex. Why? Because this doesn’t deserve anymore of the energy I’ve given over the last 7 years. I just read a letter I wrote to him dated 7/27/16 to where I’m describing how hurt I am in how he treated me. Y’all, it’s 2022…. What the heck am I doing giving chance after chance?!

You know how I knew I made the wrong decision on 12/28/21 to unblock him & let him back into my life? I didn’t wanna tell ANYONE. Not my friends, family or even my houseplants cause I already knew what they were gonna say. To the 4 people I ended up telling : 2 said “I don’t believe he’s genuine don’t do it” while the other 2 said “well I hope he’s being for real this time!” Neither one of those responses were optimistic. But I just had to see…

I had to see if this time he finally meant what he said. During our 5 hr convo he told me he wanted to change my last name & wanted me to be the mother of his kids. That he’s never made me the priority & has been selfish in ALL of his relationships but this time he’s sure he only wants me! That he’s gonna spend the rest of his life regaining my trust & he’s never letting me go! That he’s willing to go to couples counseling. I mean who wouldn’t give one more chance to that?! I loved this man with everything in me so as scared as I was, I jumped in.

Well about 10 days into us talking again he texts that he’s headed to dinner with a female friend, so if he’s not responsive that is why. I told him due to the lack of trust between us that I was uncomfortable with him being out alone with another woman. I mean we hadn’t even started counseling yet, & that gaining my trust back should be his top priority like he promised. I know that people have opposite sex friends & that I may sound unreasonable, however this particular friend of his:

-was someone he says he met on a dating app a few years back

-someone he says he went on dates with

-someone he says he slept with

-someone he says he meets up with every 2-3 weeks to catch up on life

Yet according to him he has “no feelings for her”

If I could insert the blank stare meme here I would lol! I wasn’t ok with it because he’s been known to lie to me about the females he keeps in his circle. He’d tell me they’re just friends & then next thing you know I’m blindsided because she’s his gf (I.e. what happened with his previous gf.)

Anyways, back to his plan to meet up with her… after I had expressed multiples times that I wasn’t comfortable with it, he ignores me & keeps pressing the issue further while I get angrier that he’s fighting so hard to go out with her (the day before our first counseling session too), so I tell him to go & that I’m no longer interested in continuing seeing him. I’m not fighting another man about another female (Ladies don’t EVER lower your worth by doing this) nor am I staying with a man that forces me to bend on a boundary of mine for the sake of his selfish needs.

He goes & then proceeds to blame me for us ending because he just can’t deal with how angry I got at him, 🤦🏾‍♀️ talk about blame shifting. I even reach out a few days later, apologized for getting angry & asks him to reschedule counseling. His response: “I’m just mentally exhausted with this back & forth! Let’s not go to counseling. You deserve better interaction & experiences in a partner then consistently stressing out, analyzing everything & reaching new levels of anger.” 🤯 Yet he is the one who broke trust. His selfish choices caused my stress. Gaslighting at its finest 😒 Also, ladies if a man ever tells you that you deserve better, believe him & leave. I asked him was he sure he wanted to give up on us so quickly & he was like “you told me to go with her & to cancel the session so 🤷🏾‍♂️” y’all I was so hurt but look at the plot twist because three weeks ago I was on month 3 of blocking him when he created a fake Twitter account to beg me back after all the wrong he’s done… but fast forward & now I’m begging?! 🤔 😩😒 Do. Not. Ever. Beg. A. Person. To. Love. You. Or. Fight. For. You. Ever.

I say all this to say, emotional abuse/trauma is real & you never know what goes on behind closed doors. And so I think it best to keep him blocked & out of my life for good this time. (Like everyone told me to do last year & the year before that & before that) Some lessons I have to learn the hard way & more than once. But my journey is mine & I own it.

This is not to bash him because despite the negative experiences I’ve had, we’ve shared some fun times together & each time during these seven years he reinserted himself back into my life he made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world (now I know the term for this is love bombing) but the good never lasted nor did it outweigh the bad. 😔 I also do believe ppl can change BUT old habits die hard. Consistent cheating & dumping one & moving on to a new woman within weeks (he’s already going on dates now smh) for many years in a row is NOT a mistake but deep character flaws that only intentional therapy AND GOD can heal. I pray that he decides to make that change & seeks all the support & healing he needs because IF he does, he’ll be an amazing partner to someone. As for me, back to healing & loving myself more than I ever have cause clearly I have more work to do.

Finally, I’m writing this for me & for all the others who’ve been through something similar! This journey of healing can get lonely because your loved ones can’t understand why you “went back in the first place” I encourage you to join support groups &/or therapy because sometimes judgment & lack of support can often drive you back into the arms of the one that hurt you. Repeat positive affirmations. Get back to chasing your goals & dreams. Pray & journal as often as you need to. Keep your head up. Be proud when you walk way & stay away.

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No more

Sitting here relaxing and thinking how tonight marks the end of some things for me…

No more overexerting my body, I’ll say no if I can’t physically do it..

No more being emotionally abused by people who claim to love me, I’ll create my own closure & stay away..

No more words of anger when someone has wronged me, I’ll turn to God or incorporate self parenting techniques I’ve learned..

No more confusing intensity with intimacy, I’ll only reveal my inner most being to those I trust wholeheartedly..

No more believing words over actions, this year my ex (not the high school one) tried it by selling me all these sweet words & texts only to intentionally put his selfish needs above my feelings leaving me disappointed , so from now on I’ll watch what a person does when I state a boundary cause they’ll either respect me or do what he did instead..

Only 17 days into 2022 & I’ve decided to end a lot of harmful behavior, habits, & situationships, all I can say is I’m excited for the future.

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Almost had me..

Have you ever been on the right track in life and then got distracted?! It’s literally 11 days into the “New Year” and that’s already a chapter in my 2022 Book of Life lol. HOWEVER, I got back on track and quickly!

Listen in life, there will be people, situations, jobs, etc., that will be put in place to distract you from living your best life and guess what, majority of the time they will present themselves in the most beautiful way?! (Reminds me of Eve and the serpent aka DEVIL when he led her to that beautiful fruit) Anyways, let me get back on track lol… If you stay on top of things and stop turning red flags green, you won’t get knocked down. Or if you’re like me and got knocked down you won’t STAY down!!

Now when I start overthinking on if I made the right decision, God stops me in my tracks & brings me so much clarity. I will say in this situation I am referring to, I already knew what I had to do a few days back but didn’t pull the trigger until 1/10/2022. God threw a RED FLAG IN MY FACE to where I had no choice yall but to cut him OFF haha!! It’s been my experience that you know when you’ve made the right choice about something because it brings you PEACE! I didn’t say happiness, sexual fulfillment, temporary boosts of self-esteem, money, a title, revenge, but PEACE. That my dear is the goal for not only this year but the remainder of the days I have here on Earth.

So thank you to the person who inspired me to write this, thank you for attempting to pull a fast one over on me (your loss), because everything you meant for my bad will ultimately be used by God for my good. So good riddance & God bless. Silly rabbit, you ALMOST had me…..

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Healing from heartbreak

I used to think healing had an end point. That once you were “healed” that was it. However, I’ve realized that it’s an ongoing process, especially when it comes to heartbreak. To be specific I am talking about a relationship. One thing I’ve realized for me is that I know I’m on the right path to complete healing because now when & if I even think of that person, there is NO pain whatsoever in my heart. There used to be a time when I heard his name & anger or sadness welled up inside of me but now there is nothing. Literally nothing lol. So yea I’m not 100% “over it” but the hurt I experienced no longer affects me like it used to so I’ll continue celebrating that.

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Clean up clean up

Y’all remember that song on Barney? I mean maybe I’m aging myself here but there was a clean up song they used to sing while cleaning. Ahh good times but as we draw near to the end of the year I thought about how it’s time to do just that. So from here until Dec. 31st, I’m cleaning up:

*My phone contacts of people I never talk to or choose to no longer talk to

*Social media friends I don’t even know or no longer communicate with anymore

*shoes & clothes I know dang well I won’t wear

*household items, including furniture, dishes, books, games, etc.

*My bad habits, & negative thought patterns & whatever else will bring peace into the new year.

Perhaps I’ve inspired someone out there to do the same in whatever area is needed for you to live your best life!

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No regrets babe

I would always hear people say don’t regret this or that negative experience as it helped you grow or made you stronger. To be honest it would always go in one ear & out the other. I would beat myself up on some of my past “mistakes” How could I be so naive? How could I be so stupid to overlook that? But now I truly understand that sometimes God just has to allow negative things to happen so that you can learn. I got a hard head (well sometimes) & so what some people learned in two weeks took me years lol which resulted in me learning a lot of lessons the hard way! But as long as I learned right?! Lol

I’m really grateful for the lessons. I’m grateful for the patience God had with me to teach me the SAME lesson over & over until I got it. Yes I’ve been hurt. Yes I’ve “wasted time!” But I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown so much & I’m stronger than ever.

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Me & the Kardashians

So I took it upon myself to rewatch all 20 seasons of Keeping up with the Kardashians because I knew watching it as an adult would give me an entirely different perspective & I also knew there would be things now I could relate to since I was mainly in high school & college while this filmed.

Three things that stuck out to me:

1. We’ve all experienced a Kourtney & Scott relationship. One that isn’t necessarily the healthiest but it’s the long-term comfortable one. The one that’s off and on and off and on. The one your family loves to hate. Heck the one you love to hate lol

2. No amount of money can take away life’s issues. Whether that be mental illness, robberies, unfaithful spouses, etc. Success is great but internal peace is greater.

3. The one I really relate to at this moment is when Khloe felt left out by her sisters (Kim & Kourtney) because they both had children. Prior to them becoming moms, they were the three amigos. On one episode, Khloe planned a family trip for them but was extremely disappointed after being there a few days because the kids were now top priority. Every event she planned to bond with her family was now overshadowed & many ppl backed out leaving her alone. Now to say that Khloe loves her nieces & nephews is an understatement however I can relate to the sting of watching the people closest to you go off & start their life with spouses & kids, which should be top priority, but also be left out & forgotten because you aren’t there yet.

I may return to add more because I’m not done watching it all, but that’s it for now. 😊

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Push past it

Self- sabotage. We’ve all heard of it. And if you’re like me then you’ve actually done it. We talk ourselves out of something good because we don’t believe we deserve it and/or we’re so used to something bad happening. But what if for once we stopped the pessimistic thoughts & hoped for better. Expected better outcomes. Believed that good is around the corner.

For those of you like myself, it can be extremely uncomfortable to expect good in certain situations but I challenge you to move on from what hurt you in the past & push past those uncomfortable feelings when you happen upon something good. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Don’t self sabotage! Know that good is out there…somewhere….some day…waiting for you, you only have to push through this new normal & welcome it with open arms.

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Thankful 2021

I’m thankful for my life. For my family. For my friends. For the texts I received today that showed me that ppl were thinking of me. For laying eyes on my loved ones another year. I’m thankful for being thankful lol

I’m thankful for all of the food I consumed today. For the people who prepared it. For the ability to feed & clothe myself( it really is the little things.) I’m thankful that I have a home to go back to. A job to go back to. I’m thankful for fellowship. For love. Again I’m thankful for being thankful.

I hope & pray you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

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I Thought Wrong

I thought that with you being gone eventually I’d stop crying over you.

I thought that as the years passed, the tears would completely stop.

I thought that I was done randomly breaking down in tears when the thought of how much I missed you came up.

But no, here I am. Haven’t run out of tears yet. I still miss you. I still love you. I still think of you. I still long for your hug. Your smell. Your laugh. Your love. Year after year after year….

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The perfect day doesn’t exi..

Actually yesterday was one of those days.. from the time I woke up til the time I finally went to sleep everything was perfect. I can’t think of the last time I’ve experienced one of those days so I had to write it out. It was a day filled with immense joy, gratitude, fun, love, laughter, etc. Although it was a busy, long day, I literally have NO complaints. Here’s to more days like this in the near future.

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Everybody wants

Everybody wants the newest or latest gadget out there.

Everybody wants to be in a relationship where they can post cute quotes for Instagram and Facebook.

Everybody want the biggest engagement ring, house, or the most expensive car.

To be honest I want some of those things too but now that I’ve gotten a little bit wiser what I really want and desire above all else is peace and authenticity. So if having any one of those things that I mentioned above comes without peace or being fake to get and/or maintain it, I’ll pass…

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B. Y. O. B.

No it’s not what you think but just bear with me and I’ll explain later. I look back over the years and while I don’t have a lot of regrets there are plenty of things that I wish I could do differently. One thing for sure is that life goes on whether you choose to go along with it or not. Time passes, people get married, divorced, start new jobs, quit jobs, travel the world, start businesses, have children, etc.

I think back to the mindset that I used to have which was based in fear, where I didn’t take a lot of chances or risk because I thought I was protecting myself but in reality what I was doing was missing out and not even realizing it. I think back to allllll the times when I wanted to give things a shot but fear told me to keep my mouth shut or to stay where you are even if unhappy to protect myself from fear of the unknown, so I did for years. But now I know that I am the person solely responsible for achieving the things I want in my life & that sometimes I have to take risks. One of my heart’s desires is to be a wife & mother but I know for a fact that the reason I’m not either YET has nothing to do with the fact that others are better than me or that I did something wrong. I had to go through my own rough experiences so that I would be smarter & wiser. Now that I’m out on the other side, it took a huge leap of faith to believe that I deserved better when all I’ve known or (let’s take some accountability here when all I accepted) was less. At any rate, it’s time to step out on faith. No more letting life pass me by. No more operating out of scarcity. If things don’t work out there’s always a lesson to be learned & another day to try again. No more BYOB or Blocking Your Own Blessings

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9/24

When it comes to love I’ve been through a lot but I’m not afraid to wait a bit longer. I refuse to not be appreciated. I refuse to be a second option. I refuse to settle.

I’m willing to bet there are a lot of people in relationships who stare at the ceiling at night admitting to themselves that they are settling. And the reason for staying is because they have a strong desire not to start over or to be uncomfortable or perhaps they don’t wanna fall behind relative to friends who are in committed relationships. Been there done that but not anymore.

My resolve and stubbornness to NOT settle is something I will always be proud of.

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9

I just realized today is my nine year work anniversary. This also means that I’ve been living here in Houston for nine years!! So much has happened… figured I’d share nine things I’ve realized since moving here..

1.) I am a country girl that most definitely belongs in the city lol. I’ve grown accustomed to the traffic so spare me the “but what about the crazy traffic?!” question.

2.) With that being said, I am not sure if Houston is my forever home …. Never know what the future holds!

3.) I still miss Dallas and often wonders what if… so I actually applied for the Dallas office nine years ago but there was only an opening in Houston. At first I was sad but working here gave me the opportunity to work for one of the best bosses ever!

4.) Since moving here I’ve fallen hard for two men.. that’s it and I’m glad “I fell and got back up” cause neither one of them…never mind lol!!

5.) Even though it’s only happened once or twice, I’m always paranoid about running into someone I know when I’m out with the opposite sex. Weird right?! Lol

6.) I still struggle with finding places to eat and things to do although I’m sure I haven’t experienced 60% of all that this city has to offer lol

7.) I’ve become a lot more aware of my surroundings. I’ve been pretty lucky here but I’m not naive to all of the dangers & crime that are out in this world.

8.) I have some of the best friends here & have some unforgettable fun moments I’ll hold onto forever. Definitely making more..

9.) Nine years ago I was hopeless that I’d never reach my goal of being a successful black woman living in the city…yet here I am. #GodIsGood

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I said no so stop asking

How many of y’all heard that growing up? I did…a lot 😂 yet it didn’t keep me from trying to convince my parents or friends to let me do or have something I so badly wanted. We’ve all done it or had someone do it to us. Nine times out of ten our parents would say no because they knew something that we weren’t aware of. We didn’t care though, whatever it was that we used to beg for was something we desperately needed. Lol

Well last year there was something I wanted so badly. I made many attempts to get what I wanted and no matter what I did, no matter how many connections I had, no matter how persistent I was…I couldn’t get what I wanted. Fast forward to this year, something else popped up in my life, something MUCH BETTER than what I wanted last year. It was then that I sat back and thought to myself “Ohhhhhh that’s why this didn’t work out!” God totally had something better. So next time you’re fighting for something that clearly isn’t working…stop begging God for it because he already said no! You can worry and stress yourself out if you want to or you can trust God boo.

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Friends, how many of us have them?

Guess what this blog will be about..? lol As I approach my 33rd birthday (April Aries baby!!) I’ve been thinking more about friends. Not only the people I consider friends, but the kind of friend I am to others. It was at this moment that I realized a few things:

  1. Quality > Quantity (number of friends)- I remember growing up thinking that the MORE friends I had, the MORE I was loved. Whew was I wrong lol. Through the years you will come to find out that everyone in your circle does not mean you well. In life, if you have TWO or THREE friends that you can say are loyal, got your back and love you then you are lucky. <– Try telling my 20 year old self that and I wouldn’t believe it at all.
  2. Quality > Quantity (number of years)- How many times have you thought to yourself “Yea I really don’t like hanging with them but I’ve know them for 15 years?” I hate to say this but sometimes the friends that you’ve known the longest are the ones that will upset you the most, ignore your boundaries the most, etc. Point is, time doesn’t matter, if a “friend” steals your joy or peace that is not a FRIEND anyways. Have a talk to see if yall can work things out, if not let them go.
  3. You will lose friends and that is OK! – Again since I thought that the number of friends mattered, I really did whatever I needed to do to keep friends. Whether that was talk like they wanted me to, go where they wanted me to, wear what they…you get my drift. At some point you will realize that you will outgrow friends and or they will outgrow you and you must part ways to keep the peace. Sometimes you will “fall out” with someone and while you may apologize and/or even forgive that person it doesn’t result in reconciliation. Losing people that no longer fit into your life or that you don’t fit into theirs is OK!
  4. There’s levels to this friendship thing- What I mean by that is that some people are your gym friends, some are your friends from your hometown, from college, from church, friends that only want to hang out if you drive to them, friends that only call you when they want to borrow/get something from you, etc. Newsflash, sometimes these aren’t the same people. I used to think that my friends from the gym had to be the friends that I called to have brunch with every single time. Or that my friends from college were the ones that I would share happy news with every single time. Just because my gym friend and my church friend don’t come with me to brunch with my college friend doesn’t mean that they aren’t MY friends, I just have multiple types of friendships, doesn’t make one type better than the other. I’ve seen too many people think this way and it’s just unrealistic. Learn to keep people in the lane that they are in, and maybe you can prevent disappointment and unrealistic expectations.
  5. Speaking of unrealistic expectations, the older I get the less I expect from some of my friends. Let me clear this up quickly. When we were younger, we could hang out a lot because we had a lot more free time, less responsibilities and different priorities. Now we have careers, families (parents and siblings also count because some people tend to think of only husbands and children), hobbies that don’t interest old friends so we make new ones, days where we are just freaking exhausted, etc. Basically, you cannot expect a friend to always hang out with you the number of times that they used to, to call or text you all the time, etc. doesn’t mean that the love they have for you isn’t there. So next time you’re upset about a friend not hanging out with you enough, extend some grace!

Hope these words helped you to look back at your friendships…and let the bad ones go and the good ones grow!

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There’s hope

I know that you’ve been hurt. Lied to. Lied on. Cheated on. Manipulated. Had your insecurities maximized. Feelings invalidated. Conversations gaslighted. Kindness exploited. I know that you go out into the world every single day seeing other couples and wondering how you got the short end of the stick. How the few times you took the risk and gave someone your heart they broke it into a million pieces. I know it hurts to have another failed relationship & be too ashamed to call for support because your support doesn’t understand or wonders how you could be so stupid to stay. I know that it’s easier to sit in something for years because it’s too scary to start over by yourself. I know…trust me I. KNOW. BUT there’s hope. There’s hope because God never leaves us. He always has angels surrounding us even when we feel alone. But this time, don’t try to pick the pieces of your heart up & give them back to the person that broke it. No, this time sit down beside the pieces of your heart, close your eyes & call to Jesus. Let Him come rebuild your heart, your soul, your esteem…no one else can anyways. If you do that, I PROMISE you that you’ll one day be able to love again. To love without fear. And not only to love but to be loved by someone who isn’t broken. There. Is. Hope.

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Say ‘yes’

Earlier today, I was listening to a podcast discussing opportunities. One of the things I picked up from it was that often times we “live in the no.” In other words, when opportunities arise to try or do or go somewhere new we live in fear and always think of what could go wrong in life. Saying yes keeps opportunities flowing in your life while saying no immediately deletes all options and shuts the door on all opportunities. Long story short, stop living in the “no” if there is something you want to do, DO IT! Have faith that God will get you through it. One belief I’ve just recently developed is that “No matter what, I know God’s got me and I’ll be okay regardless of the outcome!”

Peace out!✌🏾

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Today on July 10, 2020

I’m so thankful that I have not missed a paycheck during this pandemic..

I’m so thankful that no one in my immediate family has lost life during this pandemic…

I’m so thankful that my mother and father love me, support me and introduced God into my life…

I’m so thankful I have friends that not only love and support me but challenge me to be better…

I’m so thankful that, during this pandemic, I cut ties with a toxic person whom I’ve been dealing with since they moved here six years ago…

I am so thankful that each day I thought I wouldn’t be happy, someway, somehow, I ended the day happy and filled with God’s peace…

I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to grow and love my REAL AUTHENTIC self during this pandemic…

Despite all of the negative 2020 has produced, there is STILL something to be thankful for, this list barely scratches the surface….

God bless!

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Devil in plain sight

The past two months have given me A LOT of time to sit in silence. During this time God has revealed to me particular people who have been wearing a mask as long as I’ve known them. People who have smiled in my face, told me they loved me, done something helpful for me, offered guidance or advice meanwhile, the entire time they meant me NO GOOD. Since this revelation, I’ve went back over interactions from the past with these particular people and it is now become crystal clear that they weren’t beneficial at all. That they never wanted to see me prosper and were slowly masking their vindictive ways behind smiles, hugs, generous doings, etc. It sucks but I am glad the curtain has been ripped down and the mask is now off.

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What if one man’s trash can be the same man’s treasure??

This past weekend I had a friend over, YES I let one friend come visit (safety precautions were in full effect though lol). Anyways, while my friend was here I expressed my disgust regarding my living room furniture. I told them that I’ve felt this way for years and enough was enough, I was now ready to trash everything and start over but a) I knew that it would be expensive based on my taste and b) I actually didn’t really know which style I wanted to implement or where to even start.

Disclaimer: About two years ago, I had another friend so graciously offer her assistance to redo my living room for me after I provided her with a budget lol. But, I never took the bait, just sat and wallowed in my distaste of the appearance of my living room for years to come….until last weekend.

My friend who visited walked around and begin scoping things out and politely asked questions such as:

  • What do you use this for?
  • Why aren’t you using this space more effectively by putting this over here instead of there?
  • Can I just get comfortable and move around a few things without your OCD kicking in and you freaking out?

Needless to say, my friend rearranged, tossed out, took home to “refurbish” some things and just like that my entire apartment already feels like a new space. <We may or may not have started a list of projects and items from amazon to order as well>

Once I was back alone, I sat on my couch and thought about what just happened. It forced me to look at life and wonder how often we are so quick to disregard  or “toss out” talents, relationships, ideas or even furniture (lol) simply because how they look at that moment does not appeal to us so we deem it unworthy. What if you got a fresh set of eyes? Ran that idea of yours by someone else to give you a new perspective? Hanging the frame vertically instead of horizontally? Trying out a new project on Mo, We, Fri instead of the weekends? In other words, maybe those talents, relationships, ideas or again even furniture that you’re frustrated with and ready to trash isn’t trash after all.

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Love, for some is scary!

I’ve been thinking lately about my past relationships & how things I experienced in them have now left me traumatized. I guess after dealing with toxic situations for so many years, you just become numb to it. You expect it. You tolerate it. You feel a false sense of security with it. You bounce back from it. Or do you? I think back to how I would be dealt with & often wonder “how or why in the heck would I give chance after chance after chance?” But I now understand that for some of us who’ve experienced long term lies, cheating, manipulation etc., it becomes your new norm.

When you come across someone who isn’t toxic, it can truly be terrifying at first. I know that movies make us believe that finding someone who truly loves you after you’ve been broken down (mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually or even emotionally) is such a breath of fresh air BUT there is a lot of PTSD to heal from. What’s worse is that there are some who never will heal. Some who panic when a person attempts to get close to them because the last person they allowed in ended up hurting them more than they could possibly imagine.

I’ve realized it takes a lot of praying, therapy, self love, self parenting, support, etc. to heal and to allow someone else in. I hear people say to a single person often things like “This person likes you and they seem so perfect for you, why won’t you be with them? Are you crazy or something?” and used to ask the same questions but now I think to myself, maybe they were hurt, maybe they’re in the middle of healing, because to be honest none of us can even fathom what some of us have been through. My prayers are that  everyone in this situation, COMPLETELY heals & get the love they deserve.

 

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I know you’re hurting but..

As I sit at the beauty salon waiting to get my hair done I’d thought I’d let you in on a little secret…time waits for no one & neither does a good man or woman. Often times people are caught in toxic relationships full of manipulation, lies, disrespect, infidelity, trust issues, abuse etc. Meanwhile there is someone who has been there the entire time waiting to love them for how they truly deserved to be loved.

To the person in that toxic relationship who just can’t let go:

    I know what it’s like when you’ve put in a lot of time
    I know what it’s like when you’ve prayed and prayed for things to get better
    I know what it’s like when you said you’re moving on for good but then they come back promising things will be different & so you give them one more chance

But, ask yourself “Have things really changed or gotten better? Are you compromising too much? Are you truly secure & at peace in your relationship? Are you annoyed with the person that wants to love you the way you want to be loved because you’re so hurt by the one you love that you cannot even recognize real love??

I had to face the music…I wasn’t truly happy just afraid of starting over/being alone.

So again, I know you’re hurting BUT time waits for no one, neither does a good man or woman.

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Emotional abuse

All day I’ve been going back and forth about if I would address this topic, but I feel a strong desire to do so. I think for the most part, we all can identify when someone is physically, verbally or even sexually abusive. But emotional abuse is not always easily recognizable. It is extremely important to know the signs of emotional abuse and I will speak on it from a dating perspective.

Have you heard any of the following terms; gaslighting, manipulation, love bombing, narcissist (narc) use, empath, or self gaslighting (just learned about this today) Well all of these words can be either a sign of abuse, the label of the abuser (narcissist) or the label of the victim (empath). These are just a few examples. If you are unaware of what the terms mean, I urge you to do your research. Please!

So the thing about emotional abuse or being in a relationship with a narc is they are extremely toxic and unhealthy. The relationships and the abuse you experience is part of a cycle, one that I have broken down into 3 phrases:

Phase 1- The Honeymoon.

Here the narc seems to be the most amazing, caring, supportive, attentive person you’ve ever met. They learn all about you, what you’re passionate about, your family dynamics, your dreams & goals, your wounds, flaws, what you’re vulnerable about etc. It will be disguised as attentive and you will be flattered that they listen so well and want to know so much about you. However, they are attaining all of this information so that they can get you to fall in love with them and most importantly TRUST them! It’s their opportunity to groom you and later trap you.

Phase 2- Idealizing or Falling in Love.

Here is something I need you to understand. While this whole time the victim is falling in love with the narc, the narc is absolutely incapable of falling in love at all. There is no falling in love to a narc, they are simply infatuated because you are the “new shiny toy” they’re playing with. This is why they are able to jump from relationship to relationship with no problem. They will tell you in the early stages of your dating how perfect and amazing you are. RED FLAG! Narcs feed into your wound (remember they found out whatever it is that you are lacking in phase 1 so now they will give you just that.) This is even worse for people who are codependent or have low self-esteem!!  They are only looking for the narc use which is to get whatever it is they need/want from you. Once they got you hooked, they will be able to get whatever they want from you whenever they feel like it. But, once you catch on to their game plan and stop the “supply” they will discard you!

Phase 3- Devalue and Discard You.

Welp, the narc groomed you, you’ve fell in love and now here you are in this last and final stage of the toxic abusive cycle. They’ve hooked you in such a way that you are now totally dependent on them. If you are the type of person who is extremely loyal and don’t easily give up in relationships and the narc KNOWS this, they have you exactly where they want you because they know you aren’t gonna walk away no matter what they do. They see that you will deal with their abuse or manipulation and stay. Often people think that if they get upset or yell at the narc expressing their hurt on how they’ve been treated that the person will change but newsflash, you’ve cried wolf too may times so now they don’t care at all. The kind, empathetic, attentive person you “fell in love with” has taken off their mask and can now walk around confidently! THIS phase is where the abuse lives!! And not just emotional abuse; it can be any type. The narc will now shame you, manipulate you, make you feel bad for how you feel, get others to side with them and tell you about your “issues” and make you question everything about your self/feelings/experiences (gaslighting)! Not only that, but now the narc who was so understanding in phases 1 and 2 will have NO empathy or willingness to compromise. You will express how something is an issue for you and they will simply state directly or indirectly that it’s their way or the highway and will say things such as “You’re too sensitive or insecure.” They will continue to make you doubt who you are until you have no confidence left! The more they beat you down, the more you will stay. You’ll stay because you’ll start to wonder constantly about where is the person from phase 1. The person that was so amazing… you know they’re deep down in there somewhere so you take the bait and start to believe that you are the problem. You will start to believe you are too insecure, too sensitive, constantly doubt yourself, etc. (self-gas lighting). So now you attempt to work on yourself or fix yourself so that the narc will change back to the person they pretended to be in phase 1. Get this straight, they will NEVER change. As a matter of fact, at this point you will be discarded. Thrown away like trash. Why? Because you’re no longer the shiny new toy you used to be. You’re beaten down and they’ve sucked all of the life/ confidence out of you. But don’t get it twisted while they were using and abusing you in phase 3, they were already in phase 1 and 2 with SOMEONE ELSE. Remember it’s all about getting their “supply.” This is why it’s easy to discard you because the narc has their next victim(s) lined up.

Being discarded is the most painful thing ever. Especially, if you truly loved this person. It hurts to look back and realize that you were only in love with a fantasy because now you understand and realize that the narc is 100% incapable of truly loving anyone. Although being discarded is painful, I need you to understand that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

It is so important to give a relationship time, so that you can see who a person truly is. One thing is for sure, a person will reveal who they are in due time!! So wait on introducing them to your family, children and friends. Wait on sleeping with them (soul ties are real!) And whatever you do, wait on getting too emotionally involved. This is simply MY perspective on one topic. Please do not be paranoid when dating and think that if someone is attentive that means they will use it against you later. If you have been emotionally abused in any way then you understand that it is hard NOT to be paranoid, but you also know that everyone is not the same. I wanted to write this blog simply to bring awareness to the topic. Be blessed!

 

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I ain’t sorry

So the more I think about this generation and the dating aspect, the more I hear the following:

  • Women need to stop fantasizing about love and “wake up”
  • Cheating is common and therefore should be accepted & tolerated or if you are cheated on, life happens, get over it
  • Women need to work more & stop expecting men to pay all of their bills
  • Women need to stop being so independent & let a man be the leader
  • Women need to learn how to submit
  • Men will be men…

The list goes on..

Well here is my response. I ain’t sorry that I was raised in a household where my father respected and loved my mom and as a result I want the same thing. Respected and love aka meaning that I have never witnessed him hit her, speak down to her, cheat on her, etc. Again, I want the same and if I never get it, then I will happily stay single.

I ain’t sorry. That’s all.

 

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Keep running, the grass is greener

Up early thinking about how many years has passed and how I’ve tried the same thing with the same person over and over and over again. Not only that, but more so the fact that each time I tried, I thought it would lead to different results..guess what, it never did. Why? The same issues resurfaced, the same mistakes were made, the same expectations weren’t met, and the same people we used as placeholders stayed right in their place so once we were “off again” guess where we went back to..ugh!

I know so many people with the same story. I believe the only way to cut the toxic cycle is to cut the toxicity out of relationships! How do we do that? Well, actually addressing issues and coming up with solutions on how to get rid of them. Actually voicing the expectation instead of thinking that they should know if they really love me that I want/need X,Y, and Z. By actually cutting ties with those placeholders who only cause insecurity, temptation and drama in your current relationship (I’m sorry but you cannot have your cake AND eat it too) I write these solutions knowing that most people will NOT do these things. Yet, they’ll confide in their family and friends telling their side of the story making them look “better.” They’ll seek advice from the placeholder who will tell them how awesome they are & how they should dump their “broken insecure partner.” No one supports working through issues, everyone supports running from them. No one wants to face the truth, we just get our broom and sweep the deep rooted issues under our “made up” exterior (nice clothes, house, thoughtful deep conversations, charm, etc). 

To all of you that hop in and out of relationships with different people because you believe the grass is always greener (aka I’m scared to commit), I feel for you, but I feel more for all of the people you’ve hurt who genuinely loved you. You’ll run for the rest of your life, even while you’re in your new fresh “committed” relationship. Habits die hard baby!! So unless you really address your issues truthfully, you’ll still have placeholders,  give in to the temptation that you entertain, wonder why it’s not working out with this partner, dispose of them & find someone “better” and to make matters worse, you’ll still post your “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life” pics, but deep inside, you’ll never be content.

Have you ever gotten with a person and they talked about how their ex wasn’t as amazing as you? Just wait until you BECOME the ex, they’ll now won’t be able to stand being in the same room as you, everything you say will annoy them, etc. Funny how that works. Funny yet sad. At any rate, I believe that the ONLY way out of toxicity is to put on your big boy/girl panties and work THROUGH it! STOP RUNNING!

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UGH!

Have you ever had one of them days where it just seemed like everything was wrong? Everything bothered you? Every social media post upset you? Just in a funk? Well Monday, November 18, 2019 has been that day for me!

Once I realized I was headed in a mental downward spiral, I got to work quickly. I started asking myself “What can I do right this second to lift my spirits?” or “What can I do to snap out of it?” I’m currently working out of state this week so the comforts I can usually run to back in Houston aren’t an option….

Right before I started typing this, I got a notification on my phone that said “Giving thanks keeps you happy” That’s all it said. I cried two or maybe three tears of joy/relief as I knew it was a sign from above to help me snap out of it. As I sit here typing, I can write down multiple people/experiences/things/skills/blessings I am currently thankful for. And although I am not making an actual list, making it mentally has shifted my mood just like that.

This has to be one of my most “spur of the moment/random” blogs ever but I wanted to share that same message with you for when you have one of these days. I mean it is the season for Thanksgiving right? So next time you’re having a bad day remember “Giving thanks keeps you happy.”

 

 

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OMG I’m an HSP

You know how there are actual terms for things but you don’t know what it is? I mean you know the term exist, you know the qualities, or adjectives used to describe it but can’t quite put your finger on it?? That was me this morning in regards to how I feel/behave/communicate in relationships. But I read a blog this morning that literally made me go in the restroom and cry (hey don’t judge me ok). Anyways I will share pieces of this blog titled “Meaningful Connection: The Gift and Challenge of Being an HSP in Love” by relationship coach Hannah Brooks, her parts of the blog are “in quotes.”

Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) thrive on deep communication, especially in our romantic relationships. We live for it, seek it and when at ease we thrive at it. Yep. we thrive at it, until our significant other doesn’t.  For example, “When he shut down, couldn’t articulate what was going on for him, or had nothing to say in response to my openhearted sharing, then I’d get weird in my communications.”

This entire paragraph of what happened in Hannah’s marriage occurred frequently in my previous relationship—   “He’d be so quiet, offering no satisfying answers to my questions about how he was feeling or what was going on for him. So I’d start saying things like, “Talking to you is like talking to a stone wall!” I know now this was all an unconscious attempt to get him to open up and be more of the champion connector and conversationalist I wanted him to be. But of course it always backfired, pushing us further apart. He’d get defensive or silent. So I’d try harder to get through to him with my “tactics.” I felt chronically unfulfilled. He felt chronically unappreciated and rejected.”

Hannah then goes on to list and elaborate on 6 struggles most if not all of us HSPs have in relationships (I have 6 out of 6 but improving them all one day at a time) I will not elaborate on them, but will list them:

  1. “When we HSPs are overwhelmed by strong emotions—which can be a common occurrence—we may have trouble expressing ourselves effectively, or listening well.

  2. When our communications go poorly or turn unpleasant, we feel it for hours.

  3. We pick up on subtle cues, tones, and body language from our partner—we read him or her—and often weave a whole story about what’s going on for them and what it means.

  4. We unconsciously may believe our partner should have the same level of empathy and ability to understand and care for others as we naturally do.

  5. Since we are so sensitive and attuned to our environment, we may notice many subtle “wrong” things our partner does or says.

  6. Since all too often in our lives it may have been brought to our attention that we are “different” from the “norm,” we may have underlying low self-worth.”

So, if you identify as an HSP, “please know you’re not stuck with these challenges. We sensitives are actually gifted with the ability to have the most connected, meaningful relationships possible, once we develop the skills to communicate powerfully.”  I’ll share the first step I took.

I called up a friend, gave them a 30 minute spill of the communication issues in my previous on-and-off again 5 year relationship and in return, I received a hefty dosage (2 hours to be exact lol) of constructive, harsh but loving criticism. I listened to every word they said without interrupting or defending my actions (well I defended one or two!) Anyways I got really honest with myself & realized that I was not a victim, that I had some room for improvement regarding communication AND as Hannah puts the rest…

“I was helpless to be happy unless he did it. I essentially gave him all the power over my feelings and behavior. I gave up my own ability to create the loving interactions I deeply desired. ”

So now, I will not allow anyone to have that kind of power in my life. In my future relationships, I’ll “aim to communicate in ways that help him feel safe enough, valued enough, and loved enough to be more fully open, more fully himself. By doing so, I help create an environment of generosity and understanding, and a sense of being supportive allies in life together.

Which is all I really want, anyway.”

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Have a little empathy

It seems like empathy is dying at a rapid pace in this world, in this generation of mine… What is it? Well it is the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.  Related words: compassion, pity, sympathy, warmth. 

People make one mistake, or maybe the same mistake over and over, and instead of identifying the mistake as something they’re possibly really struggling with, we judge them, call them stupid & write them off? What’s happened to us?

People don’t view things the way we do or believe what we want them to believe and instead of attempting to understand their perspective, or give 100% of our attention to listen to them, we judge them, call them imbeciles & write them off? Again, what’s happened to us?

I often hear that you can never truly understand one’s struggles until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, or lived a day of their life (whether that be present day or childhood). Yet we still act as if we know better on what others should be doing, who they should be dating, where they should be going…yea tough love is a ‘thing’ however, I see it used today more so due to laziness and a lack of empathy. It’s easier to just say “get over it” or “fix yourself” or “heal yourself” than to ask “What’s going on in your life?” or “How have you been lately” and not settle for a “Nothing much” or “I’m fine” answer.

People are really out here struggling, so is the level of empathy….it’s truly sad.

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Take the L, Learn the L & Get yo L

Happy New Year Folks! Well I mean its four days in but this is my first blog of 2019! As you know, most of my blogs are off the top of my head. This one, is no different. As 2018 came to a close, I did what a lot of others begin doing, reflecting. Reflecting on my choices, life, goals, friends, etc. In doing so, the following came to me:

Take the L

Most of you have heard the popular saying “Take the L” which means to take a loss. There really isn’t much explanation behind this saying, as it means exactly what it says. We usually hear people say it when they lose something or someone whether by accident or on purpose. Additionally, this saying is usually associated with a negative connotation.  However, may I suggest that sometimes taking the L is not a bad thing. I’ve learned that some things/people are better left than tagging along in your life and that’s ok. We outgrow situations all of the time. When you realize that someone or something no longer serves you, offers peace, support, and love in your life. Let it go.

Learn the L

Along with that, be sure to learn the lesson. In every situation that we face, there is something we can learn from it. As a matter of fact, now when things go the opposite way of what I want, I stop and ask myself “What is it I am supposed to be learning from this?” I suggest you do the same. Never miss the opportunity to learn something, whether it’s about yourself or someone else. If you miss this step, I PROMISE the lesson will continue to repeat itself until you do!

Get Yo L

A phrase that I randomly started using at work which means “Get Yo Life” lol. Basically this phrase is used when someone may be out of line and needs to be straightened back out OR maybe something in that person’s life is all of whack and they need to get it together. But I now offer a new meaning: to get up, get dressed, show up, be present, do what you love, love what you do, travel, eat, shop, dance in the rain….I think you get my point. Never stop living.

So the next time you find yourself in a slump. Or stressed from holding on to something/someone that is weighting you down, perhaps it is time to:

Take the L (let it go)

Learn the L (see what the L has taught you)

and Get Yo L (pick up & keep it moving)