It’s been on my mind for about two weeks to write this, but of course, life has gotten in the way! As someone who has healed from a romantic loss, I wanted to give some advice that may help others. Disclaimer: everything said is based solely off of my experiences. Take what you need, and let the rest carry on in the wind.
First, I wanna say that if you are struggling to let go of someone, that is ok. When we are attached to someone and have envisioned a life with that person, sometimes that is the only outcome we can live with at the time…the outcome that they will always be in our lives. BUT life be life’ing’ and the unthinkable happens so I encourage you to sit with that feeling of not being ready to let go. Not stay in it. Just sit with the fact that you wanted this outcome and at some point will begin to grieve. If you do let go, you will grieve that relationship’s nonexistence. If you don’t let go, you will grieve your happiness’ nonexistence, the choice is ultimately yours.
Secondly, I’ve heard a lot of people say “That person is toxic for you, you’d be able to leave if you JUST love yourself.” Or “You just need to love yourself man, what is wrong with you.” We gotta let go of this “just” mentality. What may be simple for you, may not be simple for others. Also, telling someone they just need to (fill in the blank) often backfires. Now they feel bad for not just doing something which may cause feelings of guilt and shame, compounded on the negative feelings they already had.
Third, and this kinda plays into #2. I disagree with the thought “If you’re unhealthy, you’re gonna attract unhealthy people.” Why? Because again, now the person feels guilty and ashamed. Now I do agree with, if you’re unhealthy (and honestly what the heck is unhealthy anyways..) but back on track, if you’re unhealthy then a relationship with unhealthy patterns may be hard for you to walk away from. But guess what? That’s ok. The same way you have become familiar with unhealthy patterns, people, relationships, you can unlearn that. Mosquitoes are always biting me, meanwhile my friend sitting next to me, never gets bitten. Does that mean my skin is “bad?” Or that I summoned them? lol no! Not to brag but I have a great big heart with a beautiful ability to genuinely love the heck out of people; therefore, I’ve attracted all kinds of people.
Fourth, often times people believe this person is the best that they can do for whatever reason. Although that isn’t true, since there’s like a plethora of individuals on earth, no one needs to hear “OMG just move on, there’s plenty of fish in the sea!” Listen at the time that was the only fish I wanted haha. People aren’t dumb, we know there are others, but like Sza said “I don’t want them, I just want you.” In due time, people come around. If you’ve never been in that boat, good for you. But for those of us that have ever felt that, try to have a little empathy.
Now I want to talk directly at the people who are struggling to let go. Babe, I have been there! Done that! It. Is. Not. Easy. But it is possible!! First, you need to, kinda what I said earlier, sit in it. Cry. Scream. Journal. Pray angrily and/ or desperately to God (yes I did say that, I promise you, He can handle it). But then really sit with yourself and ask WHY you want to stay. Get real with yourself and write it down so that you can actually see the reasons. Most of the time, you’ll see that the reasons aren’t as devastating as it currently FEELS. So yea, it will hurt, but so does working out, doesn’t mean you are dying right? As far as self love, what I will tell you is that you are deserving of good love. Not love that will make you question your worth, your looks, your capabilities. Not love that has you up checking your phone and/or their location. You’re not gonna believe this right now either, but it is much better to have feelings of loneliness as a single person, rather than IN a relationship. Ain’t no Facebook relationship status, gossip around town, and/or image worth being miserable. Life is too short!
Get you a TIGHT knit circle of support who will pour love into you, notice I didn’t say grab all your girls/guys…nope, the smaller the better lol. If you’re spiritual, grab you a daily devotional from Barnes & Noble to help you see yourself the way God sees you. Try meditating, and no this isn’t sitting in the grass humming loudly as most think lol, but if you hum that is fine too. The Calm app was a great resource to help me sit with myself and my breath. Start doing small things for you (eat one healthy meal a week, go walk in the park, pick up a new hobby) and watch your mental/physical/spiritual health improve.
One last thing, I noticed when I finally built up the courage to walk away and stay away from a relationship that no longer served me (don’t get me started about the back and forth drama lol) it also became easier to walk away from other things/relationships, that no longer added value to my life.
This was a lot and low-key all over the place but I hope it helps someone out there. It may not feel like it now, but you will be ok.
Signed,
A woman who thought she couldn’t live without him, but is doing just that.
If you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to like, comment, and follow!
Get into it 